“Okay don’t think about that nude pic. Don’t think about it. Stop thinking about it... Dang it, I’m thinking about it.” “Alright, that’s the last time I watch an erotic movie. Never again. That’s it… Oh man, why did I just watch that?” Will it always be this way? You start out feeling guilty for what you’ve done and so you make promises to yourself swearing you’re done with porn. Get the list out and write the 10 steps you’ll take to quit, and you do, at least for 3 months. Then the familiar temptation comes. You raise your fist and fight hard. Soon you feel weak and reluctantly turn on the screen. Back to stage 1; guilt and radical promises.
This cycle can knock the breath out of you, discouraging you to the point of giving up. We’ve been discussing the subject of pornography in the past few posts. Why we watch it, how we justify it and today how we can leave it. Perhaps you are struggling to quit. You want out but it’s been 2 or 10 years and you find yourself still in it. You try and you try but with each passing year you lose hope that there is a way out. The alternative seems more appealing: guilt free indulgence. After all, why restrain the body so much? Just do what you want to and live free. Stop suppressing and start expressing.
Many of you reading this blog already know that doing whatever you want, whenever you want doesn’t deliver the freedom it guaranteed, especially with porn. Indulgence leaves you feeling empty. The very freedom you thought you were exercising leaves you spinning round and round, each turn making it harder to leave. This cycle is true for many sexual sins; porn, masturbation, fornication even fantasizing. Despair that you are stuck easily sets in when you are in a loop of habitual sin. Don’t throw in the towel yet friend. There is hope in Christ.
It is a common misconception that the Christian response to sin is a lot of rules. Reciting the 10 commandments every morning and writing a journal of your sins in the evening. Lots of laws and no freedom. This creates a paradox. Humans are interesting creatures because the more you tell them not to do something the more they want to do it. It’s as if the rules aggravate the tendency to want to break them. The law is good, it points out what sin is, but it can’t keep you from it.
Maybe will power can work? Clamping down on the wrong. Reward good behavior and punish bad. Slap on the internet filters, get rid of your phone and check out your sober days on a calendar. Muster up all your strength and fight the evil. Now this can work if sobriety is your goal. In fact, many ‘no fap’ challenges have proved fruitful. But friends, sobriety from porn is far too low of a goal. Many churches emphasize these efforts. Trying so hard to keep their congregation from sin they rarely teach on the joys of Christ. Boundaries and resources are good but if we start with them we are putting the cart before the horse. Sobriety from porn is just but the smallest taste of freedom. A life of freedom starts in the heart and you cannot remake the human heart by sheer will power.
The apostle Paul describes the reality of his own cycle in
Romans 7:14-25.
14 We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
21 So I find this principle at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.
24 What a wretched man that I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself serve the law of God in my mind, but in my sinful nature I serve the law of sin.
That is a mouthful to read out loud. Paul describes an experience all of us, if we’re honest, can relate to. He speaks as one who is at war with himself. Divided; pulled between good and evil. The strong terms he uses “sold as a slave to sin” show a real tension within him akin to what the struggle with porn feels like. Yet he speaks as a Christian, an apostle in fact. As Christian you do still sin. Christ saved us once for all on the cross, but we live in a world plagued with sin especially within us. There will come a day when this world will be renewed. The war between good and evil within and without us will cease. As we wait this blessed hope Christ promises to help us in our present struggle. Rigid rule keeping or a live and let live lifestyle are not the only options in response to porn. Faith in Christ opens another way. In him we fight a battle with sin we cannot lose. We are as soldiers experiencing tactical defeats on our way to victory. Yes, you can quit porn for good with Christ’s help but that is just the beginning. Oh! what riches of glory await those who chose to trust God with their life. In his moments for failure Paul declares of this freedom found in Christ in vs 24-25. In these few words we find a way to stop spinning in a cycle.
1. Confess you are struggling. “What a wretched man I am!”
It is not weakness or defeat to admit you are struggling with porn, it is brave honesty. We must first see our sin as sin. The grace of God is offered to sinners not to good people who believe they are without sin. Paul confesses his turmoil to a whole Church in Rome in this letter, the book of Romans. You may not be inclined to do that but you do have a trusted friend, family member or church leader with whom you can confide in. Sin thrives in the dark. Illuminate it. Repent and ask God for help. God knows exactly who you are both the good and the bad you try to hide. Approach his throne of grace and mercy. There you will meet a love and forgiveness you have never known. There is no condemnation for those, who in faith, fall into the open arms of Christ.
2. Surrender the battle from your hands. “Who will save me from this body subject to death?”
There is something almost instinctual that leads us to act as our own savior. We want to do everything we can to solve a problem we can’t. Pulling ourselves up by the bootstraps each turn. I believe this is where many people go wrong. Doing feels great, like you are accomplishing something while surrender like you are losing control. Yet if we are tainted with sin, how can we save ourselves from it? Surrendering to Christ is how we gain control. When we give everything to God he gives it back in its purest form. We become our truest selves, no longer divided. It is something that must be lived to be understood. What we need is a perfect savior who unlike us felt the heavy temptation of every sin yet did not sin. This savior does not ask that we become sinless so he can save us. He lived a perfect life we could never and now offers it to us. A trade off happens when we accept Christ. Our sins are laid on his cross and his righteousness is implanted in us. It is in this divine exchange that God transforms our hearts. A new heart that can live for God and say no to sin for it depends on Christ’s righteousness not its own. When faced with the temptation of porn we can look away, instead turning our eyes to Christ, our savior.
3. Rejoice in the Lord. “Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!”
Depending on Christ’s salvation isn’t a passive “Well Jesus will save me anyway so I can just binge and let my bible gather dust.” Rejoicing is an act of declaring of the freedom you have in Christ as you exercise that freedom. We are freed in Christ and that empowers us to lives that match that freedom. That means actively fighting porn with all the tools and resources necessary to quit it like fleeing from temptation, accountability partners, internet filters, boundaries with entertainment and people etc. This isn’t self-salvation it is working out your salvation. It’s an interesting theology: you are free, now act like it. It is from this position that we fight sin; not from will power or defeat. Porn cannot stand up against Christ so suit up and fight with the power of the Holy Spirit. Day by day you do change. You can be free from porn and so much more. Who knows how far Christ will take you? But it is father than you think you can go and therefore never make peace with sin. I never thought I would be on the other side of the cycle with porn let alone publicly encouraging others in the freedom I found. Trust in in Christ; he is good and he loves you. Continually refresh your mind with the bible. Remind yourself of the life you have been called to. Pray through the promises of scripture especially when you are faced with temptation. Here are some promises you can rejoice in: Galatians 5:1, Romans 6:6-14, Isiah 1:18 and Psalms 16:11. You have no idea how far Christ will take you if you let him, so let him.
I pray these posts have been encouraging to you. Share them widely, you never know who you will help. Let’s follow Christ in the greatest journey the human heart will ever take. In the light of God’s goodness and grace every cycle will be broken and every heart healed, until one day we reflect his son.