We rarely tell our stories. Perhaps we are ashamed of our choices or maybe we try to keep up a well painted image of ourselves. Our stories are personal but not necessarily private. Hidden in them is a gem Christ puts, hope. Night does not last forever, morning comes.
In high school what began as curiosity led to something I didn’t anticipate for. It all started with a couple of mainstream movies and series with mildly sexual scenes. That led me to googling pornography. Over the course of 4 years this curiosity mushroomed into something else, an addiction. Like any other bad habit this one resulted in much pain. There was this overwhelming guilt and shame that loomed. Much of my time also got consumed in it and that affected my school performance. Then there were the subtle emotional changes in behavior, personality and a general decrease in joy.
Getting out of it was hard and at the time I wasn’t sure I wanted to stop watching porn. The nature of it was on and off. A few months would go by then I would watch it again. You see when you watch porn it doesn’t just stay on the screen. The visuals are captured in your mind and keep replaying so that even when you aren’t actively watching it, it still has a hold on you. Movies and series became my temporary fix, a way to distract my mind from the temptation and guilt. During the months I watched series I thought I was free of the addiction, when I watched porn I thought it would be my last time. This dangerous cycle kept me in a loop for 4 years even after I rededicated my life to Christ.
All this time I still went to church every Sunday. Learning more bible stories but never really knowing God. I felt so guilty and unworthy because of my struggle. I didn’t think God wanted to hear from someone like me and so I didn’t talk to him. Midway through the 4 years God reached down to me. It was through a preacher talking about his own struggle with pornography and how God freed him. He and his wife led me to being born again in Christ. They were the first people I ever talked to about my struggle. Through this they became my accountability partners and dearest friends to this day.
At first there was some change after this but the struggle still continued. Towards the 4th year the addiction worsened and the psychological and emotional pain caused by it were unbearable. After high school my hope had all but dried up. I became resigned to the fact that there was no way out of this addiction. I tried to harden my conscious but the self-condemnation, self-hatred and guilt weighed heavy on me no matter how hard I tried to numb them away.
As I said earlier, night does not last forever. The way Christ found me was gradual. It was during a 6-month church program that prepared high school graduates for university. I broke down many times in those 6 months. With every tear cried among friends the mask I had put up was slowly peeling off. Now that people could see I was hurting they could help. With every hug, conversation and bible study it was like God was breathing life back into me. The ice I had been feeling for so long was finally melting. All I could offer God was my broken heart and he took all the sin away and gave me a clean heart. This is grace. Looking at Christ’s love the rest faded away. Addiction lost its grip on me. Beauty, love and joy filled my life again. With his strength I could carry out the necessary practical changes needed to stop watching pornography. What was lost in those 4 years was reborn.
So if the Son sets you free, you are free through and through. John 8: 36
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1John 1:9
Freedom is still a journey I walk with Christ. There have been a few missteps along the way but mistakes shouldn’t take us away from Christ nor keep us from fighting temptation, rather they should draw us nearer to the cross.
Dear friend, whatever you are battling, Christ saves. It may feel like you are too far gone after all you’ve done but that is just a lie the devil tells you. Christ asks us to come and lay our sins and burdens at the cross. To ask for repentance and his new life. He promises to save us. Every human heart longs for rest; through the grace of God we enter home. With it we can sing this beautiful hymn as we journey on:
There is a fountain filled with blood
Drawn from Immanuel's veins;
And sinners, plunged beneath that flood,
Lose all their guilty stains.